Nick Saban simply can’t be beat.
Saturday, Saban and his Crimson Tide won their toughest (supposedly) game of the season, pounding LSU for a 38-17 victory. For the fans of teams that need Alabama to lose, things aren’t looking up. The Tide appear to be getting stronger as the season goes on, thanks mostly to their fierce leader, Nick Saban.
But who is Nick Saban really? To answer that, I’ve provided an in-depth look at an average day in the life of Nick Saban.
4:30 a.m.: Nick hammer-fists his alarm clock, rolls over, and growls. His wife asks him sweetly to take the trash to the end of the driveway. After Nick turns and gives her The Look, she says she was only kidding. She knows he doesn’t have time for such things.
5:17 a.m.: Nick puts on his pair of lucky sweatpants and ambles to his basement. He fires up NCAA Football 2014 and loads his dynasty with Alabama. His next game is against Auburn, and he drops 116 points against the Tigers. However, after realizing his running back didn’t break the single game rushing record, a record he already holds, he hurls the controller across the room.
6:28 a.m.: Nick drinks nine egg yolks.
7:40 a.m.: Nick shows up to the runway where his jet is parked. He wipes a speck of dirt off the side of the plane with his shirt sleeve. His timid assistant, whose name he can’t remember— Paul maybe, possibly Steve— informs Nick that the pilot is too sick to work today. Nick mumbles a bone-chilling string of curse words. Nick’s trembling assistant begins reading off the rest of his schedule for the day, when he realizes the plane is moving. He looks up and sees Nick Saban in the cockpit – a perfect takeoff.
9:02 a.m.: Nick is visiting a recruit at his home in Texas. Nick tells the young man how Alabama doesn’t lose, ever. He throws in a few comments on academics and the campus food court. The recruit thanks Nick for his time, but says he is still unsure about where he’ll attend school. Nick doesn’t move, just gives the young man The Look.
9:08 a.m.: The recruit has committed to Alabama. He has already called the other top players in the state, convincing them to play for the Tide as well.
11:32 a.m.: Nick has to go to a meeting at the Alabama Statehouse to fix a small misunderstanding: he was recently voted the Mayor of Tuscaloosa. He tells state officials he doesn’t have the patience for such trivial matters, but hands over a 95-page packet outlining a plan for economic reform that he wrote in his free time.
12:17 p.m.: Nick heads to campus and makes a delicious tuna sandwich. He grabs a protein shake and heads outdoors. He finds a spot underneath the gigantic statue of himself and enjoys his meal.
12:48 p.m.: Nick zones out while admiring his statue.
1:33 p.m.: Nick goes to get a pumpkin-spiced latte that he must have every day. The barista informs him that the café is out of pumpkin spice. Nick doesn’t move, just gives the barista The Look. The barista says he’ll take care of it and runs out of the café.
1:42 p.m.: Several people stand patiently in line behind Nick as he waits for the barista to return. He calls up Kirby Smart and tells him that he’s fired.
1:49 p.m.: The barista returns, out of breath, with a pumpkin spiced latte. Nick thanks him. After taking a few sips, his mood improves. He smiles for a second. He calls Kirby and tells him that he’s not fired anymore.
3:00 p.m.: Nick locks himself in his office with his National Championship trophies, blinds shut. This is Nick’s special time. He is not to be disturbed.
3:37 p.m.: Strange noises are heard coming from Nick’s office.
4:00 p.m.: After making sure his straw hat is tilted just the way he likes, Nick heads off to practice. On his way, he punches a hole in a brick wall.
4:42 p.m.: At practice, Nick revolutionizes zone blocking. He has trouble holding his excitement and runs out onto the field and spears T.J. Yeldon.
6:23 p.m.: While driving home from practice, Nick gets bored and stops at a car dealership. He purchases a 2014 Chevy Camaro. Supercharged, of course. He cruises home at dangerous speeds before crashing it into a telephone pole. He walks the rest of the way home.
7:48 p.m.: A.J. McCarron comes over to tell Nick that he and his hot girlfriend, Katherine Webb, have gotten engaged. Nick, after a quick lecture on priorities, gives McCarron The Look. A.J. calls off the wedding. Katherine completely understands.
8:18 p.m.: Nick covers his face in war paint and watches Braveheart.
8:57 p.m.: One of the state representatives calls Nick and tells him that the packet he turned in on economic reform could put him in contention for a Nobel Prize. Nick tells him that he’s interrupting Braveheart and hangs up the phone.
11:58 p.m.: After spending over an hour testing different levels on his Sleep Number Bed, Nick decides he doesn’t have time for sleep. He stays up all night contemplating what other shapes a football could be, all the while muttering “Roll M***** F****** Tide.”