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Your Overly Simplified Weekly National College Football Recap

Everything you need to know, some things you don't.

Is everyone okay?

After such a buildup to the college football season, several people have sought medical attention after severe adrenaline dumps. Luckily, yesterday was Labor Day, so many Americans did not have to take a sick day from work. If everyone is ready, let's take a quick look back at the first weekend in college football.

South Carolina defeats North Carolina 27-10

South Carolina came out fast against North Carolina and then got real tired because it was like 100 degrees. The fact is that playing football in extreme heat is terrible, and when Jadeveon Clowney was at full steam, he looked great.

Indiana puts up 73 points

So it was against Indiana State. Considering how the rest of the Big Ten played, Hoosier fans should be delighted.

Minnesota wins

It took Minnesota three overtimes to beat UNLV last season. It won by 28 Thursday.

UConn reps the AAC hard

Towson wins by 15.

Utah holds off Utah State

I'm sure you saw the game.

Ole Miss doesn't understand two-minute drill, runs ball, wins

Freshman Laquon Treadwell played well, but Ole Miss didn't look like anything more than an average football team. Keep recruiting.

Future Big Ten School Rutgers loses to Fresno State

The Scarlet Knights will fit in great.

USC thanks the heavens it played Hawaii

It wasn't pretty for the Trojans. The defense didn't look horrible, but I don't think they have a quarterback.

The Miami Hurricanes rush for 300 yards, beat Florida Atlantic

I have high expectations for Stephen Morris this season, and he'll certainly be tested next week against the Gators.

Michigan State is still Michigan State

No offense. The Spartans scored twice on defense. They put up 26 points total.

Kansas State, bad

North Dakota State is a solid FCS school. Its players play hard and -- ERRR. No. No excuse.

Arizona, Rich Rodriguez win 35-0

Although his quarterback didn't throw for 100 yards.

Purdue gets smacked by Cincinnati

Not the way Darrell Hazell wanted to begin at Purdue. His leading rusher had 26 yards.

Georgia Tech squeaks one out against made up college named Elon

70-0

Ohio State looks good and bad against Buffalo

The Buckeyes started really fast, but then fell asleep. Braxton Miller's passing mechanics looked much improved, though.

West Virginia is apparently not very good

A late fourth quarter touchdown helped West Virginia pull out the win against William & Mary.

Sigh, Illinois beats Southern Illinois by eight

No comment.

Wisconsin wins 45-0

The Badgers had three 100-yard rushers. Even with a new coach, it doesn't seem like much has changed in Wisconsin.

Florida beats Toledo

Kirk Herbstreit picked Toledo to win.

Maryland wins

Maryland won its football game.

NC State won

NC State won its football game.

Rice players get excited to talk to Johnny Manziel, forget they have chance to win the game

Some kid from Rice took to Twitter to brag about being the one Manziel was talking to during the game. That's really cool. Manziel threw three TDs, is still really good.

Michigan wins by 50

I'm not too sure what to expect from the Wolverines this year. I guess we'll see against Notre Dame, right? Devin Gardner did throw two INTs.

Notre Dame wins extremely unspectacular game against Temple

Notre Dame beat Temple 28-6. Moving on.

Penn State beats Syracuse in a hard fought game, duh

Every game Penn State plays is a battle. Partly because it doesn't have many good players, but also because that's the attitude it takes from Bill O'Brien.

Virginia beats BYU by three in a game that means nothing

Sorry.

Oh my gosh

Iowa loses to Northern Illinois. Jordan Lynch throws three TDs.

Oklahoma State plays defense, beats Mississippi State

Oklahoma State has high expectations this season. We know it usually has the offense to compete, so holding an SEC team to three points bodes well.

Duke wins!

In football!

Brett Bielema wins first game at Arkansas

Kirk Herbstreit picked him to lose.

Oregon is still Oregon

Almost 800 yards of offense? Okay.

Alabama doesn't look amazing, people are concerned

Don't be.

Hey, Tennessee won

Good job, Butch.

Oregon State loses to Eastern Washington

And our Editor-in-Chief called it.

Auburn beats Washington State by seven

The Tigers rushed for almost three times as much as they threw for.

Oklahoma wins

Trevor Knight wasn't outstanding, at all, but he did throw for three TDs.

Kentucky loses to Western Kentucky

Moving on.

Texas may be okay

The Longhorns didn't score in the first quarter against New Mexico State, but still put up over 700 yards of offense.

Nebraska barely beats Wyoming

The theme here is the Big Ten isn't awesome.

Clemson does it

What I was most impressed about with the Tigers was their ability to run the ball between the tackles. If they can continue being a physical football team, look out.

LSU gets a solid win

LSU kept pulling away against an above-average TCU team. Mettenberger threw for 251 yards.

UCLA tops Nevada, 58-20

Jordan James rushed for 155 yards and Brett Hundley threw for 274 more as the Bruins looked solid offensively.

Washington beats Boise State 38-6

Still not entirely sure what this score entails. One thing is for sure: the Broncos won't be the type of team we're used to seeing.

What!?

Northwestern goes out west and beats Cal! By two scores!

Louisville is a lot better than Ohio

Louisville is going to crush a lot of teams this year.

Florida State beats Pitt

Pitt drove down the field and scored on its first drive. Then, Jameis Winston was like, "Nah."