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A Day In The Life Of Ohio State President Gordon Gee


Yesterday, a report was released by the AP that gave us some insight into what Ohio State President Gordon Gee really thinks about some of the other prominent schools and conferences around the country. Gee's criticism of Notre Dame, the SEC and Louisville has landed him in some hot water, to say the least.

We thought we'd give you a more in-depth look into Gee's typical day, from start to finish. Turns out, we shouldn't have really been that surprised, after all.

6:30 a.m.: Gee wakes up from a terrible nightmare, during which Gucci halted its production of bow ties. Gee vows to keep them in business as long as he lives.

6:45 a.m.: While his servant brushes his teeth for him, Gee remembers that the Buckeyes have a home game against Wisconsin later that evening. Thrilled, Gee asks his office assistant to make sure he attends the "match". 

7:00 a.m.: Gee catches a re-run of his favorite show, NCIS. Gee finds one particular character, Ducky, to be a pretty "dapper chap". He does not find DiNozzo to be entertaining in the least, however, routinely scoffing at the television when he appears.

8:00 a.m.: Gee gets dressed to "Beamer Benz, Or Bentley" by Lloyd Banks, a track introduced to him a few years back. He prefers to kick it old-school, and swears by G-Unit. Plus, the song brings up a great question he has to answer daily.

9:00 a.m.: Gee is not a fan of the quiche his chef prepared him this morning. He is irate when he learns free-range eggs were not used.

10:00 a.m.: Gee, citing the teachings of Darwinism, explains to his colleagues at a staff meeting that the Big Ten is built for survival, while the SEC, which is full of imbeciles who think rocks are food, will eventually die off.

11:05 a.m.: Gee calls UConn President Susan Herbst and tells her that Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany has a great opportunity for her.

11:30 a.m.: Gee receives a call from an angry Herbst. Apparently she was not interested in purchasing Big Ten bonds to help finance construction of the new league office.

12:45 p.m.: After enjoying a quick foie gras at a local eatery, it's time to shop. Gee hits up the trifecta: Burberry, Brooks Brothers and Thomas Pink.

2:00 p.m.: Gee gets a call from Beyonce, a fellow Illuminati member. There will be an inauguration next week for the newest member, Chief Keef.

6:45 p.m.: Gee loses track of time at the mall - a common problem he has. His assistant calls, reminding him about the Wisconsin game. Gee, clearly not in attendance, decides to try to pull a fast one. After all, perception is what matters.

7:30 p.m.: Gee is finished shopping, and was able to keep the total bill under $5K. Pleased with himself, he reminds his chauffeur that in a tough economy, we all have to make sacrifices.

8:00 p.m.: Gee's assistant calls him back, letting him know that Ohio State didn't actually have a game that night. Gee, confident nobody will notice, covers his tracks on Twitter.

9:00 p.m.: While enjoying a glass of Macallan 1946, Gee has a look at Boise State's football schedule. He's never heard of any of the opponents. 

9:30 p.m.: While browsing YouTube for some tennis highlights, Gee comes across "I'm On A Boat" by The Lonely Island. He enjoys it greatly, never realizing it's a parody.

10:00 p.m.: It's early to bed for Gee, as he has a big golf outing in the morning. He has to feel his best if he plans on convincing USC AD Pat Haden that California has long been considered a Midwestern state.