How can you tell summer is close?
The weather gets better, the grill gets warmer, and preseason college football rankings are everywhere.
These rankings are usually based on a team’s potential, talent, coaching, number of returning starters, recruiting success, etc. Many of these rankings, which attempt to predict who the top college football teams for the upcoming season will be, end up being quite wrong by the conclusion of the year. They’re fun to look at, but often pointless.
The following ranking will also be joyful to view, but it’s not meaningless. It’s quite important, actually. And it won’t be wrong by the end of the calendar year.
Using ESPN.com’s preseason top 25 ranking, and the database that is Ranker.com, we’ve re-ordered the top 25 college football teams for 2014 based on the attractiveness of each school’s most famous alum, as voted by Ranker.
(Note: “Alum” is used loosely here. Some of the following people didn’t “graduate” from the university they’re affiliated with, but they did, at least, attend the school for some period of time.)
So, here is the most entertaining thing you’ll get to experience this summer, besides the hot temperatures and tangy barbecue.
Presenting College Spun’s Top 25 College Football Squads, where attractiveness means everything and the ability of a quarterback to read a cover-three defense means nothing.
25. Ohio State – Jeffrey Dahmer
Jeffrey Dahmer is 1. Not a very good-looking guy and 2. A serial killer. Not very attractive + murderer = Last place among the top 25 schools.
24. Michigan – Steve Blank
At least you beat the Buckeyes, Michigan. Steve Blank is very smart—he’s founded multiple companies and is a professor at Stanford—but he falls a couple points short in the looks department.
23. Oregon – Chuck Palahnuik
“Fight Club” is perhaps my favorite movie of all-time. If the film’s star—Brad Pitt—was Oregon’s representative, the Ducks would surely rank higher. He did not, however. Chuck Palahnuik, the author of the novel, “Fight Club,” did. He doesn’t quite compare to Pitt, or attractive men in general, when it comes to appearance. The book is great, though. (I’ve never actually read the book, but the movie is great and the book is always better than the movie. That’s a fact.)
22. Wisconsin – Dick Cheney
No, Dick Cheney was not the most attractive politician to hold public office, but the former vice president was a pretty powerful person. Sometimes confidence is everything. For Cheney, it’s enough for him to rank No. 22.
21. Auburn – Charles Barkley
Here’s the former NBA star and current TNT personality talking about the women of San Antonio:
"There’s some big ol’ women down there,” Barkley said. “That’s a gold mine for Weight Watchers."
Here’s me talking about Barkley:
“He’s a big ol’ man. He’s a gold mine for Weight Watchers.”
20. Stanford - Doug Mackenzie
From Doug Mackenzie’s online profile:
“Doug Mackenzie joined Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers in 1989 and became a Partner in 1992. Since that time, Doug has focused his investment activities in the software sector, including enterprise applications, entertainment…”
Oh, and he’s probably a five or a six when it comes to looks.
19. USC - Spencer Pratt
If you’re a 20-something-year-old, and you weren’t watching “The Hills” when you were growing up, what exactly were you doing with your life? Spencer Pratt, the villain of the show, has some nice blond locks, but also a flesh-colored beard. Flesh-colored beards are the worst.
18. Nebraska - Warren Buffett
The Huskers get kind of screwed, here. Gabrielle Union is Nebraska’s second-most famous alum, according to Ranker. But billionaire man Warren Buffett is the person’s whose looks must be judged. He’s an 83-year-old, so No. 18 isn’t too bad.
17. Michigan State – James Caan
For me, James Caan will always be known Buddy’s dad in “Elf.” Like Buffet, Caan is an old man. He’s 74. He was a pretty good-looking dude when he was younger, though, and he’s aged decently. The Spartans could do worse.
16. Kansas State - Kirstie Alley
An actual spokeswoman for Weight Watchers, Kirstie Alley is the first woman to make an appearance in the top 25 ranking. She starred in a TV series called, “Fat Actress.” Her voice is a little raspy and annoying, too.
15. UCLA - Jackie Robinson
The man credited for breaking baseball’s color barrier is either benefiting or being harmed by the fact that he died more than 40 years ago. Every single picture of him is grainy, so it’s tough to truly judge his attractiveness. Middle-of-the-pack, then, for Mr. Robinson.
14. Notre Dame – Condoleeza Rice
Not only is Condoleeza Rice a successful, smart, political scientist and diplomat, she’s also a pretty big football fan. The former Secretary of State will serve on the College Football Playoff Committee. There are also a lot of pictures of her angry, so I put her at No. 14 to not make her upset. She’s scary when she’s angry.
13. LSU – Shaquille O’Neal
Shaquille O’Neal is a big man. Really big. He’s 7-foot-1, 300-plus pounds. He’s got a great smile, though, and a captivating laugh. Along with being an incredible athlete, he’s a businessman, with a net worth of $250 million. And if you hang out with him, you can probably spend all day watching the movies he's been in, which would be great. "Kazaam" is a classic.
12. Clemson – John Edwards
If you were told to imagine, “American politician,” someone like John Edwards would probably appear in your mind. He’s got good hair, a charming southern accent, and is very comfortable speaking in public. An ideal representative of the Tigers, the U.S. Senator is.
11. Texas A&M – Rick Perry
Basically everything that was said for Edwards can be said about Rick Perry. He’s a politician with All-American looks, but he’s from Texas, so he’s likely got a bit of a wild side, which is why he ranks one spot ahead of the man from the Carolinas.
10. Baylor – Jeff Dunham
In the pure looks department, Jeff Dunham probably trails in comparison to some of the people ranked behind him. He’s a a stand-up comedian, though, and a sense of humor always bumps up your ranking a couple points. He’s also a ventriloquist, and ventriloquists are extremely creepy. Perhaps he should be ranked lower.
9. North Carolina – Michael Jordan
It doesn’t matter what you’re ranking, the greatest basketball player of all-time has to be in the top 10. He’s an attractive man, too. Michael Jordan, though, is a big fan of cargo shorts and baggy clothing. If you like cargo short and baggy clothing, No. 9 is as good as you can do.
8. Alabama - Joe Namath
Let’s face it: You don’t drunkenly attempt to kiss Suzy Kolber if you’re unattractive. Point to Mr. Namath. But he’s also 71, and may have sexually harassed Ms. Kolber in the process of going in for a kiss. This is the one college football poll where Alabama doesn’t rank near the top of the list.
7. Florida State - Jim Morrison
Jim Morrison was an American rock star that was shirtless in nearly every photo taken of him. He also had a pretty rugged beard and really long hair at one point. This is a family website, so we value the clean-cut look, which is why Morrison might not be as high (pun intended) as expected.
6. Georgia - Ryan Seacrest
He’s on a ton of different TV shows, has a nationally syndicated radio broadcast, and dates women a lot younger than him. Ryan Seacrest is also a good-looking man. Not good looking enough to crack the top five, however.
5. Texas Tech – Colby Donaldson
So, technically, Kliff Kingsbury isn’t Texas Tech’s most famous alum, according to Ranker.com. Colby Donaldson is, and he's a very attractive man, which he why the Red Raiders rank No. 5. But Ranker.com has to be wrong. No one is more famous than Kingsbury.
He’s basically a sunglasses’ model.
He flirts with recruits’ moms.
And he is better at the “Dougie” dance than a crop of athletic teenagers and early-20-somethings.
4. Iowa - Ashton Kutcher
The best thing to ever come out of the Hawkeye State (aside from John Wayne and corn), Ashton Kutcher will end up as the second-highest ranked man on this list. He’s good looking, has great hair, and also has a sense of humor (“Punk’d” is one of America’s greatest accomplishments).
3. Florida - Erin Andrews
Erin Andrews is perhaps America’s favorite female sports broadcaster. She’s talented, charming, and is a pretty decent athlete. She was a member of Florida’s dance team while in school, and currently dates NHL player Jarrett Stoll. Hockey players don’t go out with unattractive women.
2. South Carolina – Lauren Michelle Hill
Lauren Michelle Hill was on the cover of Playboy. She’s appeared on the TV show, “Fear Factor.” While at South Carolina, she was a cheerleader and studied journalism. She’s my perfect woman, basically.
1. Oklahoma – Olivia Munn
Olivia Munn is the reason I went to see the movie, “Magic Mike” (that’s what I told the theatre full of women, anyway, it's actually a pretty good movie). She’s ridiculously attractive, funny, and talented.
Congrats, Sooners, you're No. 1 in our preseason ranking.